I am Unhappy

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
 If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.- Steve Jobs, (1955 – 2011)

Perhaps it is the fact that I have finally reached the pits end of my adolescent years, or perhaps university period really is the time when you were being smacked across the face by reality. It was like waking up from a long deep sleep inside the forest and realized how far behind I was from all the other turtles that have raced along with me. Suddenly, the world is too small for all of us to be on top.

Growing up in a Muslim Indonesian family, I learnt to settle. I learnt to play safe, I learnt to yield, to concede defeat instead of fighting for my own choice, dignity and self-esteem, I learnt to be polite and respecting everybody no matter we are at wrong or right.

I wake up one day and I realize I am unhappy. I wake up and realize that it is such a burden for me to attend my engineering classes; it wasn’t as interesting as I have imagined. As I spent the past 3 years struggling through Physics, Mathematics and Mechanics subjects during my A-level and IB period, my mother, my father, everybody, including myself has been able to convince me that this will all be worth it. I’m sitting here realizing, it never was worth it.

I was longing to come back to my Capoeira classes then. That one most enjoyable activity I have ever remembered since I’ve moved to Hong Kong, if not, since I left Malaysia. Capoeira was the only thing that kept me sane through the whole journey of being alienated in a new City, in a new school, in a new rigorous course. I was longing to enjoy the sweat, the music and my best friend by my side.
Then an incident took place. It was a small incident; it was perhaps a misunderstanding. But that incident hits me. Capoeira was something that I will forever look upon, but it is not my main path. Capoeiristas are not my best friends; they are my acquaintances, my connections. I think back of the time when nobody was there to help me when I was scared, at fear, I was traumatic when my mestre and formado was making a move on an 18-years-old me; the very same girl who was suddenly living alone, thrown into the western world of adulthood from a conservative Muslim environment in Malaysia. It wasn’t Capoeira who helped going through my trauma and self-esteem, it was me, it was the same girl.

And I’m sitting here realizing, the money I have spent, the high thoughts I have given, my dignity I have put away to forgive my mestre and my formado, didn’t worth the knowledge and treatment I have received.

It never was worth it.

Then today, I wake up, after long months of hard work I have tried to give to my committee was never worth the experience either. I have tried to be a president I thought I could, making decisions and keeping the committee afloat even when I often feel I was a one-man army, talking to four-sided walls. I make a move, and the walls followed, moving against me putting me in one small space with nothing to support me. Suffocating in helplessness, uselessness, and realizing that my works worth nothing. My works and decision backfired. Suddenly silent and immobility is the strongest weapon, it is better to not do anything than doing something wrongly.

Then I’m sitting here asking, what did I get from this committee? Was it only a short sentence in my CV? Emotional drained and fear of speaking the wrong thing at all times? Or was it even frienemies I will remember for the rest of my university life?

Then I realize; it never was worth it.

Perhaps if I had never met Dylan again after so many years I would never questions the life path I am taking. Perhaps if I never meet Tracey, Dave and Campbell, I would never learn to stand up for myself about the little things in life. Perhaps if I never meet Dylan’s most amazingly loyal friends and all the greatest cutest animals of this house I would never learn what loyalty and happiness should be? I guess seeing their life, their beliefs in happiness made me longing to have abyss of my own. To try doing something that makes me happy.

 Questioning these seemingly little, yet a great deal for me made me questioned the rest of my life choices, starting from people I have let inside my life and those who are forgotten on the way. I put any advantages and simple worrisome thoughts away and really ask myself, “Is this a great relationship? Does this great better as the time rolls on? Does this withstand tragedies that take place? Does this person makes me happy?” I put myself back on my phone, talking to those I know are worthy of, and slowly cutting red tangled strings, which slowed down my journey upfront.

You see, whatever lost you have had so far, no matter how great the impact or the consequences is, will not be as much lost you will gain in the future. Then there I am, using a clean sheet of paper to redo my whole entire life. Typing on a new document, drawing on a new illustrator canvas. Like the rabbit that fell asleep in the middle of the forest, I have lost the race, yet I learnt to not concede defeat, I am simply cutting the amount of sanity and emotions I have lost. Tracey reminded me last night of Steve Jobs commemorating speech. “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.”

Thank You For Waking Me Up :)

From Bandung with Love movie: Faithfullness

 FROM BANDUNG WITH LOVE




This movie is simple and easy to follow.
A story of how you lost your faith towards someone, towards your love and towards your goal before you learnt what is the meaning of faith.
You'll realize what you have missed all this time after you'd lost it.

The characters of Ryan and Dion is really contrast.
Vega is shown as a really incredulous girl.
She should've known how a guy treated is you, is how they treated other girls too.
If a guy treated you really close as a friend, it means that's how they treated other girls too.
If he was too shy to even tell you what they felt, well maybe that's the guy you should've gone too.

Living Like We're Dying - Kris Allen

Should we tell what we feel for that special someone before it's too late? 

Or should we just keep it for ourselves?

Living Like We're Dying


Sometimes we fall down and can’t get back up
We’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough
How come we don’t say I love you enough
Till it’s to late, it’s not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won’t come
We could make a feast from these crumbs
And we’re all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you
What would you wish you would’ve done

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start pickin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbyes
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution
There’ll no one on the line

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start pickin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

Like we’re dying oh - like we’re dying [x2]

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live - like we’re dying

We never know a good thing till it’s gone
You never see a crash until it’s head on
All those people right when we’re dead wrong
You never know a good thing till it’s gone

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start livin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

Like we’re dying oh - like we’re dying [x2]

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying
Live like we’re dying

Good song for thinking what's Right.

:D

Iris by Goo Goo Dolls

This broken connection had made you free...

and to break you free I had to let myself bleed.

I just hope you to know, I have given up everything for you. 

And I'd give up forever to touch you

Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

Cause sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything seems like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

Want You to Want Me by Anggun

I was the girl of your life before, and when everything is broken I am nothing but a dreamer.

I'd been standing there for nothing but wasting your time.

Though I know it's impossible for me, as life want me to move on. I'm still here dreaming of you.

Wishing you know that you're eternal for me.

Wishing you know that I want you to want me.

I'm here give me a glance, been following you like a shadow
This is how I spent my time dreaming about our days tomorrow
Another day has gone bye another moon another sun
I can wait for you my love
Don't want to do any harm
just find a gate to your attention

Sometimes I walk away 'cause I know that we can't ever be together
Sometimes I close my mind I can't keep this love for myself any longer
Somehow I have to find the right time to say that
I want you to want me, Even in my dreams

I hope yo know who I am through all the letters I have sent you
I know I'm not the only one wanting and dreaming about you
Two different world between us, you're on the spotlights far from my touch
I can't wait here forever
For a sign from your eyes
the magic I wish I could have

Should've walked away 'cause I knew that we can't ever be together
Should've closed my mind should've known that this love can't go any further
Should've stopped myself from this dream
'cause life will never want you to want me
even in my dreams
In my dreams